Weasels had oodles of possession and did fuck-all with it, falling behind to Hazard being good and looking unlikely to create anything. And then, late on, they somehow did. Firmino’s first goal of the season reminded this La Ball side to make better use of their chances.

By Huck Thyroid

The good guys in this game dressed in black. Rodgers opted for his narrow diamond in this game and it allowed the MiBs to threaten too consistently from the flanks, their full-backs impressive. Cavani and Mbappe did the damage but Halfman didn’t completely go to sleep, although they were unable to find a sufficient follow-up to Lucas’s stylish strike.

By Letitia Ducksauce

Arbor Red finished playing with their food in the 68th minute.

By Fourseasons Totallandscaping

Converting chances is exactly the thing at which Martyrs needed to get better; I’d say they’re getting there. The improving Haaland buried the first, which gave Klopp’s side visible confidence against a Menace team whose goalscoring woes are even worse. Ramsey and Kante struck two each before Gnabry nearly blew the net out of the ground in a game where, quite frankly, double digits could have been on the cards. The Menace look impotent.

By Imogen Pastaquake

In a Les Canards game untypical for its lack of constant end-to-end nonsense, the hosts were sunk by a horrid deflection when Oxlade-Etc bounced one off a defender’s legs to flummox Alisson. Le Roy’s men were hardly inspirational but did crash one off the bar at the death and will be a bit frustrated to lose this against a Cers team who continue to underwhelm.

By Jason ‘Jason’ Chatford

Marcus Rashford has seemingly tired of being the catalyst of BBC wins, quickly trying his hand at catalysing losses with a dreadful challenge that put him in the bin after only 14 minutes. The Cocks had already started poorly; thereafter, they were a nonentity. De Ligt and Dias bullied them at set-pieces before Suarez eventually added a third, and Ferguson’s side have only the inspired Neto to thank for not conceding a boatload.

By Pat Down

A game lit up by a dazzling display by Modric that achieved precisely nothing, while the Geese absolutely stole it at the end through Lukaku (in a rare non-penalty goal for the big Belgian boy). The Pigs can at least take heart from the fact that their campaign of assault on any and all occupants of the opposing right-back position took multiple casualties.

By the economist Alan Greenspan

This was set up to fascinate when Muller fired past Kepa very early on, challenging one of the league’s most prolific teams to find a way through to maintain their chase of Farcelona. Zidane’s side looked hungry but Memphis missed chances as usual and they were punished. Mane doubled the advantage against the run of play but there was nothing unexpected about his second goal just before the break, with Los Hijos now fully expressing themselves. We never got to saw anything of the form that led Maychester to marmalise the Cocks, once again allowing the gap at the top of the table to extend to five points. Pochettino’s side can now look to push on towards the upper reaches.

By Pedro ‘Junior’ Señor, Sr, Jr

Nilwall bailed out their beleaguered boss here with a very confident performance that has been long overdue. Their goals rose in quality from a scramble (Militao at a corner), to the sublime (Dele), to a screamer (Isco’s thunderbastard). The Dawgs had Chiellini deservedly sent off in the first half and completely folded as a result. They really don’t like Mondays.

By Alison Emukitchen