MISSED PEN Jimenez 22′

Extremely high BOSH quotient in this game; also Gabriel was there. Tiki Taka Toah finally remembered that they are theoretically quite a good football team.

By Arnold Gwimp

The inexplicable Karimaissance continues with two goals and two assists for the born-again winger, while his opposite number, Insigne, was the only real bright spot for the hosts. Meanwhile, Haaland goes from strength to strength as the lone striker in Weiss’s revolutionary system. Weasels fans reported nosebleeds due to the quantity of highlights.

By Howard Eve

Bit of a snooze this, with few really great chances for either side, although Douglas Costa probably should have got a late equaliser and Joaquin Correa DEFINITELY should have got one.

By Eve Howard

Hiddink’s side were pretty anonymous for almost the entirety of the match but then Salah woke up and, well, wow. Two excellent goals stole the points for the visitors, and that was finally that for Gallardo.

By Vera Badd

SACKING: Marcelo Gallardo replaced by TBC

The league’s bottom side looked completely uninterested in the first half and their reward was a swift one-two punch to the face. Southgate’s half-time talk at least woke them up a little bit, with Lewandowski’s goal a rather beautiful reminder of how good they were only a season ago, but ultimately it seemed like this Menace team hate the idea of avoiding complete embarrassment even more than I hate my parents.

By Fart Loser

The prospect of not actually finishing last appears to have injected a lot of energy into this Wedge team and they’ll take even more confidence from this summary beating of the media darlings.

By the actor Katy Wix

There was a real air of ‘just happy to be here’ about this above-split fixture. Not sure I’d go as far as saying that any one player had a particularly good game.

By Esteban ‘el Asesino’ Caballo

Nilwall can count themselves a little unfortunate to get out-Nilwalled here. Mad props to Guardiola for refusing Soler the opportunity to take the second penalty even though he was on a hat-trick and had taken the first one.

By Dr Augustine Sharks

This was fucking shite

By Helen E.X. Arrhythmia

It was the biggest game of the season, and the Cocks barely showed up at all. Only the effervescent Phil Foden really stood up for his side after they went 2-0 down, first instigating and then stylishly finishing a beautiful team move just before the break and then smashing home an incredible BOSH soon after it. But the rest of Ferguson’s men just didn’t have the head for the occasion and the more confident Ducks brute-forced it over the line to take a two-point lead with only a handful of games to go.

By Mushroom Pivot