The title favourites got the first stamp on their passports against a well-travelled Farcelona but still have a long way to go at the back.

By Phyllis Chomp-Chomp, Travel Correspondent

Deschamps’s side gorged themselves on a Martyrs defence who looked to be still in a food coma after their extertions against Maychester.

By Rodolfo Splat, Food Correspondent

The Mancs thought they’d shot themselves in the foot by conceding an early penalty but Guardiola rallied the troops for a fightback. But the result was decided when Richarlison slipped behind enemy lines, resulting in something of a stalemate.

By Jemima Tornado, War Correspondent

A bold prologue started us off in media res with two goals straight away, setting up a real blockbuster. Thereafter, the spotlight was shone on Lewandowski, who atoned for last week’s tragedy with two penalties for his hat-trick.

By Derek Doodle, Theatre Correspondent

The Ducks delivered on their plan for a sturdy defence here but many are accusing them of reneging on campaign promises by dropping club hero Navas as well as continuing to snub star striker Pukki in favour of Llorente – perhaps the midfielder-turned-striker has some friends within the cabinet.

By Celine van Dinkeltink, Political Correspondent

The Dawgs’ investment into one of the top 10 strikers in the league really paid dividends here, while Hazard impressed the shareholders with an incredible run around the whole defence from an unusual but successful free kick. The Menace were lacking in synergy here and may need to consider a team-building course.

By Lord Trapdoor, Business Correspondent

The Pigs are a promising young side with plenty of natural aptitude but must apply themselves harder if they are to reach their potential. Havertz is quickly proving himself to be Spalletti’s teacher’s pet this year with another performance worthy of extra credit.

By Stink Grezley, Education Correspondent

A minute’s silence was held before kick-off in memory of die-hard Los Hijos de Chud fan Chilhelmina Sponge, who passed away recently at the age of 88. Chilhelmina had been the chair of the local John Cougar Mellencamp fan club for 23 years and had previously worked as an IT support assistant and freelance heavy-metal bassist. The Sons’ press officer shared a story in the match programme about the time when she wrote a letter to the club asking them to confiscate Julian Brandt’s boots following a poor performance.

By Winona Condominium-Jones, Obituaries Editor

The performance from Cers’ star forward here prompted the viral spread of the ‘#BenzemaChallenge’ across TikTok after the game, with fans sharing clips of themselves trying to kick a ball in the wrongest direction possible, then tagging three of their friends to attempt the challenge as well or else have their intimate videos released to the public.

By Lyn Planking, Executive Social Media Assistant