The Hijos defence looked like they were still on their holidays when they let Muniain cruise through to set up the first goal here! Zoratti has been tipped for an early flight home but this could be the start of a beautiful journey for the inept Italian.

By Phyllis Chomp-Chomp, Travel Correspondent

Few could reasonably accuse Renato Augusto of making a meal of it when Raul Garcia pushed him in the box for the decisive penalty, from which Milner happily tucked in. The Dawgs went off the boil here after a promising start, while the Cocks offered a tantalising entree. The sausage rolls in the media centre: pleasantly flaky, with a hint of pepper.

By Rodolfo Splat, Food Correspondent

Weasels fired the first shots, with Messi influential and Ilicic drawing first blood. But their defence will have to go back to boot camp after this, with a disastrous minute turning the tide of battle and Aguero earning a commendation for his valour.

By Jemima Tornado, War Correspondent

Nilwall passed their audition here to step into Surreal’s role of gimmicky whipping boys, while the hosts delivered a well-rehearsed performance. Mane in particular really projected with a booming finish for the second.

By Derek Doodle, Theatre Correspondent

“I’ve never knocked the ball pathetically into my own net,” said La Ball representative Luiz Gustavo in a statement, “and the sneering elites in the liberal media who are trying to paint me in such a disgusting light know that the good, honest, hard-working people know exactly what’s going on, and they won’t stand for it.”

By Celine van Dinkeltink, Political Correspondent

On this evidence, the reigning champions may simply be too big to fail, but Benzema’s stock remains low after being unable to find any purchase against the Menace’s well-organised defence.

By Lord Trapdoor, Business Correspondent

MISSED PEN Vardy 3′

A heartwarming coming-of-age story was witnessed here as the Martyrs, relentlessly bullied by Maychester, unexpectedly threw their tormentors into a locker and wedgied them. Simon earned his Head Boy status with a solid A+ in goal.

By Stink Grezley, Education Correspondent

MISSED PEN Lewandowski 27′

Arbor Red today paid tribute to devoted supporter and season-ticket holder Archibald Spamshanks, who passed away during the pre-season period at the age of 56. Archibald was a baker and part-time poker hustler who collected misprinted editions of Doctor Zhivago and claimed to have invented ciabatta. He is survived by his eight children and his two dogs, Leslie and Sir Barksalot.

By Winona Condominium-Jones, Obituaries Editor

Opinion on social media appeared divided after a fairly comfortable victory for Farcelona. “Absolutely buzzing, Suarez at his best today, liking this group a lot. Reckon it could be our year #believe,” said @FarceFanAdam. By contrast, @john17256025 posted: “Benatia clearly paid off by George Soros and antifa to stymie WBA, this has false flag written all over it.” Two sides to every story!

By Lyn Planking, Executive Social Media Assistant