The Sons will probably have to be grounded for this. Inzaghi’s side were all over them like fresh shit on a particularly excitable dog, slamming all four goals before the first half-hour was even complete. Pochettino seemingly reckons his job is safe enough, and is content to leave it there.

By Columbus Gruntfuttock

The Cocks could have done with a bit more of their usual Mourinho turgidity here, falling prey as they did to goals from Coman and Rafa against an energetic-looking Cers team. Bale did his best and thwacked home a very impressive consolation but the visitors were clearly superior and got what they deserved.

By Beryl ‘the Human Sandpaper’ Regis-Regis

This game was a real showcase for Aubameyang, on whose shoulders Halfman’s cup-final hopes rest even harder after an injury to Griezmann. The Gabonese plundered two fine goals with his keen eye and instinct, and could have had a couple more if not for some wayward finishes. Memphis nabbed an equaliser through the unexceptional Szczesny in between, with the hosts raining down shots, but Rodgers’s men held on for a good win.

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Match report crowdsourced one word at a time from our Twitter readers, raising $28.30 for the Auckland Reserve for Injured and Orphaned Gnus

Neither side was at their best here but both had solid chances and a draw was a fair result. It looked like we were heading for a simple nil-all until Haaland broke the deadlock with a canny 84th-minute finish but De Sciglio pilfered his first of the season on a break down the left to offer a lifeline to the teetering Bielsa.

By Rachel Antidisestablishmentarianism

To all those who say that they’d rather watch a short-lived early-2000s sci-fi series than a near-meaningless league game, I say forget that Roswell crap. The Mancs have not lived up to their potential this season but they’re still capable of turning it on (against slightly pants teams, admittedly) when they want. It took a while for them to knock down the door but, when it rained, it poured. Ramos snuck one home from a set-piece before Everton struck twice to seal a scoreline that was perhaps a little unfair on a pretty-okay Menace.

By Shoutout Tokeb

This game had it all. Passes, corners, halves… it had it all.

By Horatio V. Enema

Yep, you read that right. Bruce bravely dropped Dubravka for untested teenage keeper Naciri, who excelled with a series of excellent saves against a Ducks side who were largely middling – with the notable exception of Luis Alberto, playing out of his skin in the middle of the park to absolutely no reward. As the hosts grew even more desperate, the unthinkable happened when Saint-Maximin found just enough room to prod a finish past Alisson. Surreal Madrid have actually genuinely done the double over another team. The Ducks had a million shots but only three clear-cut chances. A bottle-job of the highest order. All credit to Surreal. Incredible, incredible scenes.

By Ximena Artillería y Paraguas

Now entirely secure in their Evander Bet triumph, the Geese played what can only be described as pretty well against the still-snoozing champions. Suarez did find the net for an early lead but Guardiola’s men barely bothered testing De Gea after that and Fergie’s men took full advantage after the break. Neres’s equaliser was followed up deep in stoppage time by Willian, who secured a famous result to really rub it into the Ducks.

By Colm Piller