Weasels, unexcited by the ‘challenge’ of trying to score goals past emergency keeper Buffon, instead pursued the goal of racking up as many yellow cards as possible. Their final result: six, two of which were shown to Rodri. Also, Nainggolan scored a worldie.

By Casablanca Sennheiser

The Pigs threatened to completely fuck it thanks to a first half where they were comfortably the worse side and down thanks to Salah, but luckily Gonzo woke up at half-time to level it up. Twenty-two games into the season, we finally have a draw for Arbor Red… but the visitors will be incensed that they failed to capitalise on their valuable win last week.

By Olive Gershwin

Hey! It looks like you’re trying to find out what happened in the Farcelona-Hijos game. Would you like some help with that?

It looked like Los Hijos would be adding another excellent scalp to their recent form but, you know, being outshot fourfold does often tend to result in losing games. Zaha pilfered a goal against the run of play and the hosts struggled for a good while to respond but eventually broke through via Havertz and Filipe Luis. They’re back on top!

By Clippy

Maychester are still chasing the title held by Cers too and they put in a reminder of their credentials here. Bonucci, Ronaldo penalty, Mandzukic, Oyarzabal, bang bang bang. The MiBs were dreadful.

By Gretel Wigley

The Martyrs started with such blistering power that I fell into a brief coma just from inhaling it. Yowks.

By Ohio Rambleditch

Klinsmann’s Nilwall aren’t really anything more about which to write home than Pekerman’s were, just without the crushing knowledge that they’re capable of better. In fact, the evidence mounts that they’re actively dreadful. The Geese ran riot here, with Lukaku edging ahead of Messi into second place in the golden boot race and Son bagging two assists as well as the opening goal. This was an utter hammering.

By Taramasalata Sanchez

New boss Deschamps sought to assert dominance in the home dugout by starting Surreal Madrid legend Barkley against his old club. The demolition did not come swiftly, thanks to a very even first half, but the holders switched it on after the break as Kolarov and Aguero did the damage. Indeed, the left-back wanted to impress so much that he took a needless touch on a goalbound Aguero shot in order to shithouse the credit off the striker for Cers’ third.

By Alma Frenz

Arise, Sir Bobbert Lewandowski, Lord of Ducks. The Polish striker has struggled to establish himself this season after that early injury but he’s well and truly done it now. Three goals in seven first-half minutes decided it for his team here, combining multiple times with right-back Stones after a thunderclap of a strike to break the deadlock, and he buried a late fourth for good measure. Aubameyang’s two goals were far, far too late to matter, and Halfman continue to stagnate in the no-man’s-land between mid-table and glory.

By Archie McGrabbinpops

This was no Monday-night thriller but the Menace don’t need thrillers; they need points by any means necessary. Flick’s men were wasteful for most of the game but a late free-kick was all that player of the match Pellegrini needed to flight one into the net. La Ball’s speculative hopes of entering the title race stalled again but this is vital for the hosts.

By Sherman ‘Big Widdle’ Titan