Nobody was prepared for this. Spearheaded by a frightening, bestial performance from Ronaldo – who netted five times – Maychester shattered the Gobshite League record for margin of victory with a brutal display. The most unbelievable part? Though they were dominant from the off, the first of the hosts’ nine goals came just before the clock ticked into the 40th minute. The title race being fully back on isn’t even the headline here. This is the kind of defeat, the kind of mauling, that breaks people. There are players on this Cocks team who may never feel the same way about stepping onto a football pitch again. There are players on this Cocks team who probably shouldn’t step onto a football pitch again.

By Romeo Christhammer