RED Kimpembe 29′

It’s just like my dearly missed grandmother used to say: you just can’t afford to give that many penalties to James Milner. He picked up an assist, as well, in an inspirational all-round performance, while Gabriel Jesus was on an absolute tear. The Cocks have been tipped for their best-ever season and this is the kind of performance which suggests that that is entirely possible. The anonymous Cers look mentally fragile.

By Obadiah Coconuts

Luis Alberto is really good at football.

By Diane ‘the Human Spirit Level’ Claws

The predicted winners had a point to prove against the league leaders here! A header from a diminutive winger at the near post, set up by a devilish Messi cross, did the job here against a frankly awful visiting side who failed to register a single shot on target. Is Weasels’ season finally up and running?

By Carmine Frenchonionsoup

Surreal rolled back the years by being absolutely awful except for Big Ciro, but added a modern twist by having Pogba be very good as well.

By Filip Bits

Spalletti’s side were given the runaround by a dynamic Arbor Red forward line in the first half but demonstrated their willpower with an impressive late rally. Memphis and Ocampos were influential while Saul’s salvation-granting BOSH must be seen to be believed.

By Natalia Shrimp

So much for the Mancs finding their form? The hosts were limp in the first half, even Mbappe short of his usual pep, and industrious but unable to capitalise in the second. Tony M, however, continues to stake his claim as the player of the season so far with an all-action display of strength, nous and fine finishing.

By Arlene ‘the Human Doughnut’ Rogelio

In a game defined almost entirely by both sides’ inability to aim any of their shots towards the goal, there were vital saves made by both Sommer and Simon late in the game when Odegaard and Giroud finally found space – but Sommer was the man rewarded for his efforts when the Pigs found a late breakthrough and broke the tiki-taka merchants’ hearts.

By Nina Neenaw

Nilwall were unable to hold on for their first win here, despite taking a good lead thanks to the effervescent Son – whose second goal was a delightfully ambitious one-two with Eriksen that paid off. The Farce started very slowly but were gifted a way back into the game through Suarez’s penalty and followed up almost immediately afterwards when Lloris couldn’t contain the rebound from a Reus free kick. It seemed to break the hosts’ spirits until it was too late to make a difference again.

By Jeannie Wallop-Prang

The Menace might be surprised to find themselves on the losing end of this after a lively and committed display in which they comprehensively out-shot their opponents, but Wedge displayed an unerring eye for goal from dead-ball situations – Di Maria’s unstoppable, looping free kick a particular highlight.

By Timmifer Ingleblat