Between the entire Weasels back line, not a single human body part went un-deflected in either setting up or directly causing a Nilwall goal in an all-time defensive horror show of a first half.

By Grant Grelp

A game primarily defined by Douglas Costa’s many, many failed attempts to kick the ball in the direction of the goal – at one stage standing almost level with the goal line but still aiming his shot halfway up the pitch. Two disallowed goals for Maychester will leave them frustrated.

By Bonnie Ferstravels

It looked like a drab game had been decided by Rakitic powering a penalty through what must presumably now be a hole in the human being formerly known a Keylor Navas, but a striker’s instinct from Griezmann allowed him to get smartly on the end of a cross from deep to save it at the death.

By Kate Marsh

Fans of contests will have found little to like in this affair.

By Grendel Cartwright

Both sides formally ended their title challenge here with an incident-free ‘spectacle’ that should embarrass everyone concerned.

By Professor Richard Scampi

Perhaps, in seeing Bailey score, the rest of the Wedge side quite reasonably assumed that they were in for another Jamaican-powered thumping and sat back to let him do the job. Then Cers played quite well. Awkward.

By Frank ‘Fish Fingers’ Scuba

It took an hour for Surreal to sober up after the pre-game party following the news that their league triumph was assured no matter what. Backup goalie Strakosha might regret walking backwards over the line with the ball in his hand but sometimes it seems like Immobile is literally incapable of not scoring. Congratulations to our season six champions!

By C. Maria Gdansk

That’s 30 goals in all competitions for Ronaldo this season; he seems quite good, even if he won’t often get better chances than Djene bundling him over in the box. Not ever much of a question, this result.

By Ari Lilander

A teriffic way to close out the week, starting in earnest when an electric counterattack from Neymar saw the Brazilian bag one of those goals he’s been roundly failing to pick up all season. The Dawgs had two efforts ruled out for offside before falling even further behind to Muller’s header but they finally got on the board thanks to a moment of impressive skill from Hazard. It always seemed likeliest that the hosts would come out of this with a result and their persistence did eventually pay off, leaving Arbor Red’s attempts to stave off last place thwarted once again.

By HRH King Julian Butts III, MA