Nobody wanted this. Neither team wanted to win it, and nobody watching it wanted to witness it. But perhaps it was all the plan – just when everyone was slipping into a coma, Mbappe’s searching pass looped over to a glaringly unmarked Werner.

By Frieda Bungalow

MISSED PEN Milner 87′

The Milner penalty myth has finally been busted in a game that probably neither side deserved to win, although Ansu Fati will feel somewhat aggrieved by the stoppage-time goal that was disallowed for a marginal offside.

By Selena Bannister

The resurgent Hijos continued to flourish under Tuchel with a dominant performance against a Dawgs side who seemed entirely unprepared for the task. Martial’s sumptuous second was the clear highlight but the whole home side put in a good shift.

By Bob ‘The Rub’ Douglas

Well, this was just incredible. It looked like a fairly sensible contest between two goodish teams for most of the game. Rose’s blunder set in motion the events of Ronaldo’s goal but he’ll be feeling a lot better about himself now after two incredible errors at the back for the hosts, with Leno not short of blame himself as well as the oggers themselves. With the Menace in full disarray, Bergwijn’s pace restored a lead that looked dead and gone when Verratti had fired home a confident third. Then twice in stoppage time things got even weirder – the hosts summoned the energy to equalise at the death (Vertonghen lucky not to be credited with the own goal himself) but, straight from kick-off, Nilwall simply breezed up the other end and finished it off. Truly amazing scenes that will be remembered for some time.

By Cerise Spooling

If this Arbor Red side knew how to tackle safely in the box, this would have been a comfortable and even stylish victory for Jorge Jesus’s men. But they can’t. Not that that would have affected Kulusevski’s rocket of a winner, mind.

By Jannik Telephone

No hectic thrillers to be found here: Wedge were dreadful, and the Ducks didn’t do any more than they had to do.

By Norbert ‘Big TV’ Johnsonson

Nobody understands why John Stones is capable of smashing home volleys from 25 yards, and nobody needs to understand it. It’s just true.

By Vernon Hax

Bit of a steal for Henry’s men but a Farcelona side who lost the reliable Reus injury will probably settle for it. I mean, they’ll have to. Those are the rules.

By Theophilius Shuckle

A real shock result as Halfman surrendered the league lead to Surreal! Cers were deep and defensive in Blanc’s new 3-5-2 system for most of the game but finally began to venture forward after the break, with SMS seeing an absolute thriker ruled out for a close offside before Ben Yedder shocked the hosts with a clutch finish. Rodgers’s men need to do better when it comes to beating defensively focused teams.

By Edna St. Helens