Incredible game for fans of yellow cards, absolutely awful game for anybody else.

By Hideo Junk

SACKING (pre-game): Juninho replaced by Blanc

The Blanc era is off to a solid start, although you won’t get many easier games than a Weasels side offering just 0.10 xG.

By Trevor the Trapezoid Man

RED Rudiger 48′

The rich man’s rich man’s Xherdan Shaqiri isn’t just a penalty merchant! A tidy finish from the Cocks star seemed to tip Wedge over the edge, with Rudi G losing his head just when they needed him most. The visitors still had the better of the game in the second half but couldn’t prevent the second.

By Wendy O’Xylophones

This was only ever going to end one way. La Ball didn’t even know where to begin.

By Marianne Anvil-Laminator

Heist of the century! The Pigs had barely any business scoring in this game, let alone winning it. The Farce will be left scratching their heads after launching relentless attacks on goal.

By the monster under the bed

The only thing I can tell you in summary of this game is that you were wise to rely on me for a summary rather than watch it yourself.

By Granville ‘Wild Dunkman’ Radishley

RED Dele 17′

Dele brought honour to his family with a warrior’s challenge in the first half. Even outnumbered, the brave Nilwall stood firm against their cowardly opponents. Many songs will be sung of this result.

By Katogh, son of Ch’Pok

MISSED PEN Rakitic 25′
MISSED PEN Salah 83′

UNAI SIMON IS HAVING A LAUGH

By Amy Woodchipper

This was a real grind for two of the league’s best teams but the resilience and quality of the leaders shone through in the end, with some well-worked set-plays unlocking an otherwise impregnable defence.

By Claudette LeBanjo