You’d never known which one of these teams came into the game at the top of the league and which had their manager under pressure. This wasn’t even close.

By Gustav Omelette

The authorities are trying to cover it up, but I’m convinced that at least one person actually died due to the force with which Ronaldo hit the opener. Anyway, Wass was exceptional as a provider and the Cocks were roundly crap.

By Fantine Minneon

No possession? No problem. Weasels saw almost nothing of the ball but displayed a searing potency on the counter with which Nilwall could not deal at all. The visitors had plenty of chances but were largely wasteful, though De Gea also played well, while the curse of the Danger Zone in the left-hand side of the penalty took its toll on them as well.

By Ruben Roller

Halfman seized their chance to go top in a tense game between two very solid teams. The Farce just couldn’t find an orchestrator to really dictate the game.

By Enid ‘Big Sleep’ Braithwaite

Both sides seemed so determined to fuck this up that you have to wonder if there’s anything dodgy going on.

By that guy. Yeah, you know the one

Huge news for the league as #PlebWatch lit up for the first time this season with the debut of Bustamente at right-back. Anyway, the Martyrs lost. Not sure why.

By Pygmalion Bunt

This was a bit of a steamrolling, with a driving performance from Acuna powering some dynamic attacking from the Mancs.

By Rowena Shmeltsh

All things considered, you’d have to say that Cers will be pleased to get a point. But this game was pretty toilet, and Wedge missed what meagre good chances there were in it.

By Justine ‘the Boomerang’ Boomerang

Didn’t show up, to be honest. Went shopping. You know the goals. Wait, what do you mean I’m fired?

By Vanuatu Christhammer