The league’s most-carded side would have been hoping for all the help that they could get against the early leaders but an early injury to star performer Demiral put them straight on the back foot. Emboldened, the visitors opened the scoring through Havertz and proceeded to strangle Lambert’s men for chances. A quickfire double after the break, one a header from diminutive winger Sane and the other a gorgeous volley from Correa, compounded Weasels’ malaise. How much of this poor performance is the result of playing against an impressive team and how much is due to injuries and suspension starting to bite, it’s hard to say, but Farcelona will be pleased with a very comfortable result.

By Edwina Haribo

Surreal set up in their flattest, most defensive shape but still fell behind early when Thauvin headed home Ghoulam’s cross. But Bruce’s men seemed to fancy their chances against a La Ball team who have often flattered to deceive this season, keeping pace with their opponents on shots and playing through Wilson more than once to be met by good saves from Navas. Their resistance was finally broken for good, though, at the end of normal time when Icardi just outpaced his defender at the near post to poke home for his first goal of the season.

By Lord Ogilvy of Crunnunk

On a rainy Saturday lunchtime, the Martyrs looked up for the challenge when Danilo fired under the legs of Courtois – but after that, everything went wrong. Poor defensive awareness let TAA finish off Modric’s terrific free kick, and then Ismaily stepped up to ruin them. It was his superb through-ball that allowed Higuain to put the visitors in front before the wing-back himself turned and left two defenders for dead before rifling across the net from the edge of the box; any striker would have been proud. Dybala underlined his side’s class with a solid finish just after the break, and it could have been even more had Ederson not kept out the Argentine forward’s penalty a few minutes later. Oh, and there was still time for a thumping Ziyech volley from the edge of the area. Klopp’s men looked shellshocked here and the Pigs remain proudly unbeaten after one of the season’s very best performances by any team.

By Gretchen ‘Rumble Mode’ LaRoux

After powerful performances for both of their main title rivals, Maychester were looking to pile more pressure on the already-vulnerable Favre. Though it took a while for them to rev up, that goal was achieved when Memphis broke through the defence to hit a low shot past Schmeichel. The Dutch striker was the visitors’ leading light but the Menace, initially overawed, grew more dangerous as the minutes ticked down, eventually finding an equaliser when Pulisic pounced on the rebound from a Sancho shot. This young side looked set to take home a heartening point but their hearts were broken when Maychester woke up in injury time and Oyarzabal grabbed a surprise winner. More know-how in the final third is required but the hosts can take some hope from this performance.

By Mørten Peril

Both sides have started the season disappointingly but both came into the game off a victory, aiming to secure a bit of momentum to escape the lower-mid-table area. Los Hijos enjoyed the lion’s share of possession, with Llorente offering a busy performance, but Bielsa’s men took the lead with a straightforward Perisic header at a corner and the hosts lacked quality up front to carve out the right kind of opportunity. Arbor Red, for their part, put in a real shift, seeming desperate to put right their early results, and they will have earned their manager’s delight with a valuable win.

By Volumina Figgins

Up against it upon the visit of one of the league’s most dangerous sides, the struggling Cocks were let down again by Neto when the keeper’s poor clearance set up Aubameyang for a shot which the Brazilian could only help into his own net. Ferguson’s men were firmly on the back foot against superior firepower but Benzema found space to head home an equaliser against the run of play. It seemed to throw off Halfman, who continued to have more of the ball but were giving up all of the better chances for a winner. Their lapses were eventually punished by both Benzema and Oscar at the death, with the Brazilian then turning it into a hammering in injury time. Halfman were not nearly as bad as this scoreline suggests but there is no room for sloppiness; perhaps Rodgers should be reconsidering his penchant for replacing his own substitutes after three minutes.

By Mona Rail

Desperate to claw back some respectability after an awful start to the season, the Dawgs had a clear plan here: exploit Fabian from set-pieces. Twice, the midfielder was unable to hold back De Vrij and Van Dijk from heading home at set-pieces as Conte’s canny tactics bore fruit. But Fabian was determined to be remembered for more than losing his man and, not only running the Ducks’ attacking play, finished it too with a terrific first-half strike. Le Roy’s men pushed gamefully for an equaliser – substitute Barnes going closest with a toe-poke to which Oblak reacted quickly – but it was not to be. A clear victory of managerial forethought here.

By Stan Chu, MD BSc BFI

Nilwall came into this game still looking to awaken the adventurous spirit of last season; Pekerman decided to summon that chaotic energy by starting pleb Bruce Marshall at left-back. It seemed to work immediately, as Kane scored after just one minute by outjumping two markers to head past Lloris. Then Marshall himself made an impact by setting up Aspas to double the advantage; the first time that any team have netted a second past Luis Enrique’s team all season. Cers, for their part, were lifeless for almost the entire match before Kovacic classily set up Coman. And then, suddenly, it was action everywhere. Aguero immediately followed up with a confident equaliser before substitute Ibrahimovic first hit the bar and then had an apparent winner ruled out for offside. And it was the hosts who remarkably claimed the spoils when Coman nabbed his second. Nilwall won’t quite know how they lost this.

By Ralph Blatt, in association with the sleek and affordable LG Nano91 4K television

Keen to keep the leading pack within reach, the Mancs started this brightly and were rewarded when Di Maria finished off from a scrappy goalmouth tussle. Even when a penalty just after the break gave Lukaku a valuable opportunity, Cillessen was the MiBs’ first, last and only line of defence. But his save was wasted only moments later when the resurgent Geese had Son breach their lines at the far post. Smelling blood, Carrcelona pressed further and saw Bailey rattle the bar, but had to haul off an underperforming Lukaku. De Gea did his part, too, in holding off the Mancs’ few major chances, and ultimately a split of the points was entirely fair.

By an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of laptops