Has the Deschamps bounce worn off? Cers were out-fought here by a hungry-looking Sons team, who saw Mane, Brandt and Zaha fire past a beleaguered Lloris. This was one of the best performances of the season for the visitors – Pochettino needed it, by all accounts.

By Big Leapy, the world’s oldest living kangaroo

If Bale ain’t on no government list, he probably should be for a first-half goal that powerful. But Dzeko pulled it back after the break to set up a result that does neither team any particular favours.

By Theophilius Groovebasket

Once the bipartisan, pro-wormhole fan demonstration outside the stadium had died down enough for the match to begin, it was La Ball who most underlined their need for an alternate dimensionn. Both teams got forward plenty but accurate shooting was in short supply, with Correa the only scorer. If anyone deserved to edge it, it was Os Patos, who confidently dominated possession away from home.

By Dino Luftballons

Maychester at least did their bit to keep Farcelona’s eye on the prize, with Ronaldo doing the job against an Arbor Red side who were a little more inhibited than usual.

By Erika Splant

This was a real ding-dong contest between two teams who are both, frankly, a bit pants, thereby each allowing the other to express themselves. But it was Kane who made the difference with a powerful finish, with Klinsmann’s side overall slightly more mature in midfield while the Menace’s tyros down the wing found a little less purchase after centring it.

By Vinnie Jones QC

This was all set to be a nil-all that would be forgotten almost immediately – except, of course, for the second appearance of pleb extraordinaire Wade Batty. But then Demiral grabbed a shock winner in the fifth minute of stoppage time, perhaps a little flattering for the Weasels but certainly a gut-punch for the Pigs regardless of their poor performance.

By Morton Rutherford Pendleblatt

If this is a preview of the cup final, then the Dawgs should be worried. Both teams came into it tired but Halfman looked much more on the ball, with Partey getting the reward for their dominance just before the hour. The race for fourth is still alive!

By the tooth fairy

Two managers in only their second games in charge of their new teams did battle here, with two of the league’s most deadly strikers facing off. Haaland had much the better day with two clinically taken goals, while Lukaku looked off-colour as Ferguson’s side struggled to match Kompany’s for attacking potency. Insigne underlined the visitors’ superiority with a gorgeous low strike near the end, gliding through the defence.

By Priscilla van der Vandersmith

The league’s best team against the league’s worst team; this had got upset written all over it, right? Nope. Farcelona flattened Bruce’s men like an industrial tractor running over a grape. The undisputed highlight was their second goal, an astonishing curler from Bentancur that might well have a case for out-Roberto Carlosing Roberto Carlos. Paredes thwacked a hat-trick of not dissimilarly disgusting quality, too. It may not be the biggest scoreline that the league has ever seen, but it was probably the most comprehensive difference between the better team and the worse one. The title is so close now.

By ‘Snakey’ Rupert Banjobag