A classic of the FC Cers oeuvre, this. Stultifyingly dull in an utterly unmemorable game, sneak a late goal through Callejon with only the fourth shot on target that either side had had (the final tally: five). The Ducks just can’t have anything go their way, but you can’t blame only luck for failing to put away this unimpressive home team.

By Charlie Uncle

What’s that stand for? Made Irritated Byconceding, it seems. The visitors were two down within 15 minutes but it served only to inspire them to one of their best performances for weeks. Mbappe was rampant and netted two goals, one either side of Asamoah’s emphatic equaliser. Halfman were by no means poor but they came off worse in an end-to-end encounter; I haven’t been so entertained while watching a game of football since my nephew Anthony celebrated a goal in the garden by trying to eat the ball.

By Vera ‘Animal Planet’ Higgs

La Ball seemed intimidated by a typically physical Weasels side here and, once Wijnaldum turned on the style, they wilted. The Dutch midfielder grabbed two goals in as many minutes on the hour, the first an absolute piledriver. But neither had anything on Neymar’s stoppage-time strike; after a bulldozing run through the middle, the yeoman winger unleashed a truly unstoppable shot past the floundering Navas. And there was still enough stoppage time for Lallana to bag one too.

By Jonathan Fisk

Pochettino has had this Sons team on fire lately but they were totally outmatched here by the title challengers. Memphis, less profligate than usual, made the difference with two tricky finishes full of commitment, while Bonucci and Kanneman refused to give the likes of Zaha any sniff of goal. The hosts’ consistency remains questionable but this was Maychester at their professional, ruthless best.

By Omaha Fishlifters

Signs of life from Klinsmann’s Nilwall at life! Inspired by the injury-necessitated introduction of Pukki in only the third minute, the hosts tore the Dawgs’ defence to scraps. Dele, Fabinho and Kimmich did the damage – the latter particularly influential – and a Bellerin header wasn’t enough of a fightback. A damaging loss for Conte.

By Selma Kidneys

The Pigs missed yet another chance to gain ground on Farcelona here. Despite a decent start, with Alexander-Arnold notching yet another in what’s been a surprisingly prolific campaign, Inzaghi’s side struggled to assert themselves consistently, and the dogged Geese struck back through Son. The away side were very much the ones with the best chances to take a winner, but they’ll have to be satisfied with a point against a team who are capable of better.

By Pope Adrian I

Yes, it’s another defeat for Surreal Madrid – but this was not your typical defeat for Surreal Madrid. Bruce’s men were positively trigger-happy, with only one fewer shot taken than their opponents, and conceded only to a spectacular Neves free kick. They just never found the perfect chance, which is what you need when your forwards are this mediocre.

By ‘Lumpy’ Leonard Bennett

Maychester and Pigs fans would have been counting on Mourinho to deliver a soporific grind to keep out the Farce. This proved largely accurate, except that Gabriel scored for the Farce quite early on. The Cocks did contribute a soporific grind thereafter, though, so this was a real treat for the neutrals on all levels.

By Marguerite Hapitza

The Menace were slow to start but grew into the game and got their reward when Sanchez leapt like a very tall and two-legged salmon to head home from a corner. The Martyrs, meanwhile, deployed the fabled SMS-De Bruyne-Kante midfield in a flying V and were a bit poo.

By Ermintrude Capybara