The Thiago Larghi project has its first point! This was a strange game that was probably fair to end in a draw. Aranguiz was both hero and villain for the visitors, giving Dier the slip at a corner to head home the opener but missing from the spot after Gotze had equalised with a spectacular long-ranger. Mane’s janky running gave Los Hijos the lead after the break but Lewandowski eventually rescued it to end a five-game winless run.

By Thaddeus Hoof

Once again, we were treated to the Ismaily show. The left-back scored the decisive goal in style here and would have had more if not for multiple exceptional saves from Schmeichel. The keeper could have done more with Alexander-Arnold’s late strike, though. The Menace, it seems, just don’t have what it takes to compete with one of the best teams in the league.

By Tino Spoonclutcher

By Petra Tetris

This fuckin’ game fuckin’ blew, man.

By Cursing Jerry

Brigstock Big Cocks won this game of football thanks to their superior record of putting a football into a net controlled by their opponents, Arbor Red. They did it two more times, in total. The hosts will be pleased by this result while the visitors, by contrast, will not.

By Robyn van der Quack

The Mancs had much the better of the game from the off, as is customary for opponents of Surreal Madrid, but then like boom just before the break Shelvey calmly converted a penalty. Bruce’s men had good chances to extend their lead and Wilson might feel that he could have done better but Ramos brought the hosts back into it in the 55th minute. The MiBs hammered and hammered at the door but were frankly lacking in quality in the final third. In the end, it could have gone either way – but finally Surreal have recorded a draw this season.

By Solomon O’Wheelbarrows

Sadly this game will go down in ignominy. Kimpembe was perhaps lucky to still be on the pitch – or have a licence to play football this side of 2025 – after a cynical challenge to stop a clear opportunity on the counter, but he stuck around and headed home the opener soon afterwards. Giroud did put a cap on it with a close-range header in the 92nd minute, after Nilwall had tried fruitlessly to get back into it, but the neutrals won’t be happy about this.

By Milton Egret

Halfman were rewarded for sustained dominance of play here; they were made to wait until the second half for a breakthrough but, when one came through Partey, a second for Tah soon followed. Cers have long since stopped pretending to be a good team and offered more or less nothing to get in their opponents’ way here.

By mysterious forces

Maychester looked nervous and inhibited in the face of perhaps the most important match of the season so far. In a game of few chances, they took 75 minutes to record a shot on target – but it came in the form of Ronaldo powering home a trademark leaping header. The hosts’ relief was palpable and they were inspired to stand firm against the leaders’ search for an equaliser. It was far from a classic game but this could be pivotal in the title race, bringing Zidane’s men back to within two points of the Farce.

By Gerald ‘Free Wheels’ Gundermutt