Thiago Larghi made his bow as Ducks boss by debuting a new narrow 4-3-3 in the derby, and it immediately excited – but the Geese grew into it after starting under the cosh. Lukaku netted a rare non-penalty goal before the hosts’ striker-concentrated shape allowed Correa to fight his way through for an immediate equaliser. Ancelotti’s side continued to burst forward with more regularity, though, and they were vindicated after the break when Lo Celso and Lukaku found the net. Encouraging signs for Os Patos here but they are now well behind their rivals in the forfeit race.

By Sergey Plank

Halfman don’t often have to play the dogged defenders, but an early goal from Aubameyang – a ferocious solo effort – set them up for some rearguard action against the league’s clear favourites. Farcelona hammered on the door, Barella trying everything to feed the forward line and Szczesny in superb form, making save after save. The hosts were exceptional but persistence eventually told, when a rebound fell to an unmarked Dembele in the 87th minute. Points dropped for the Farce, but it will feel like a victory.

By Karen ‘The Executioner’ Neville

I… I’m pretty sure I was there. Why can’t I… why can’t I remember anything? They won’t let me remember.

By Amit Sesame

The fight to save Pekerman’s job continues – in style! Nilwall indulged in a surprisingly rare battering of the battling Surreal Madrid, bullying them at set-pieces and refusing to let up. Wilson did get an equaliser after the first, but two goals for Fabinho led the way in a comfortable, confident performance.

By Sandra Redknapp

Blah, blah, blah. Messi, Messi, Messi. Everyone always wants me to talk about how good Messi is. Well, I made a really great bit of garlic bread last week, but nobody ever wants to talk about that, do they? Here’s your fucking match report: I quit.

By Alec Tion

Mourinho immediately began his manipulation of the Cocks by lining them up in a flat 4-1-4-1, with Rashford returning from suspension as the lone striker. It was always going to be a tough test against the high-flying Pigs, though, and the visitors dominated from the off before taking the lead through a Sule header. Dybala added a second just after the break, thanks in large part to a technically superb assist from star man Ismaily, while Sule nabbed himself a double. The BBC didn’t entirely switch off, though, as Bale at least snatched a late equaliser.

By Rumpyard Cuddling

In an uncharacteristically dominant display, Weasels took a comfortable victory here against a Martyrs side who struggled to create anything of note for much of the first hour. Tadic’s opener was followed by Firmino netting one against his former team, before a Demiral header and a thunderbastard from Rodri put the game fully out of reach. Klopp’s side might feel hard done-by on scoreline but they can hardly claim to have merited a point.

By Ivan Tuskpainter

In what might be considered an unusual display of restraint for a normally free-wheeling Arbor Red side, the hosts seemed to simply assess that their opponents were not very good, venture forward just enough for the prolific Perisic to pinch two goals, and then just sit on it.

By Susan Wojcicki, CEO of YouTube

Maychester looked like cruising to victory after a perfectly curling cross from Pogba was met by a trademark Ronaldo leap early in the first half. La Ball offered little by way of response for much of the game – all except for Pjanic, whose hard work eventually saw him set up Fekir for an equaliser against the run of play. The visitors looked in shock and were punished by Hazard at the death. Farcelona were forgiven once again for their dropped points, while Zidane’s side slip back into third.

By Rufus Barkleby, the editor’s labrador