The Ducks were up against it here, with the league leaders hammering away at Alisson, but despite the one-sided nature of the game, the clearest individual chance was for the visitors, with a narrow offside call against Pique ruling out an early goal. Perhaps Le Roy’s midfield-jumble formation helped to quieten the Guardiola passing machine. Whatever it was, this proved to be not only the first goalless Les Canards game but also the first Farcelona draw of the season. Another opportunity for the title race to narrow…

By Jason I. Kwon

Nobody was prepared for this. Spearheaded by a frightening, bestial performance from Ronaldo – who netted five times – Maychester shattered the Gobshite League record for margin of victory with a brutal display. The most unbelievable part? Though they were dominant from the off, the first of the hosts’ nine goals came just before the clock ticked into the 40th minute. The title race being fully back on isn’t even the headline here. This is the kind of defeat, the kind of mauling, that breaks people. There are players on this Cocks team who may never feel the same way about stepping onto a football pitch again. There are players on this Cocks team who probably shouldn’t step onto a football pitch again.

By Romeo Christhammer

It had happened quietly, and as much because of Halfman’s oft-frustrating failure to kill off games as anything else, but these two teams came into the game level on points. By the end of it, La Ball had proved that they should not be discounted. Twice they led, through Hazard and the impressive Thauvin, and they might feel like they deserved more out of it. But a dogged Halfman recovered, their first equaliser coming through the impressive Partey, while Rodgers’s switch to a narrow diamond eventually paid off with Coutinho’s 88th-minute goal. Though a title challenge looks unlikely at this stage, United at least offered valuable proof that they can mount comebacks as well as be vulnerable to them.

By Scooter Mowgli and the Shitcunts

Martyrs are not noted for their scoring ability this season but you’ll see few goals more professional and precise than Haaland’s opener, with a gorgeous through-ball from Ramsey perfectly splitting the defence and the striker’s finish the epitome of confidence. Cers’ Kovacic could certainly have learned from it – after Henderson evaded multiple markers at a corner to equalise, the Croatian midfielder was about two feet in front of an open net when he prodded wide at the far post. It was a costly miss for the home side, who were outperformed in most areas and were finally shrugged off when Chiesa found space for a late winner.

By Emmett ‘Big Tables’ May

Lambert’s men looked more energetic on the attack than they have for some time and they took the lead when an Alves cross from deep split the Mancs’ defence and allowed Tadic to profit. But though the MiBs were finding little purchase against Fernandinho and Wijnaldum’s midfield partnership, they were never overwhelmed, yaknahmean? They fired their way back into it late on thanks to good team play from a free kick, Dzeko holding it up well to tee up Di Maria. This prompted Lambert’s favourite plan B, the 3-4-3, and the introduction of Zapata paid off handsomely as the Colombian picked up Firmino’s pass on the edge of the area and blasted home in the 92nd minute. Perhaps harsh on the visitors, but a badly needed victory for Weasels, who have been flirting with the bottom end of the table.

By Frank from down the road

Nilwall continue to disappoint. They took the lead through Kane in a first half for which the visitors barely even turned up, but an eye-catching equaliser for Gotze on his first start seemed to jolt Los Hijos into action. Pochettino’s men had the better chances to seize the victory. The hosts were busy but never showed us the freewheeling chaos that has defined their best periods under Pekerman; even their switch to 3-4-3 felt half-hearted. The Sons are no Surreal Madrid but facing them at home was a big opportunity. That Nilwall could not muster more than this is a shame.

By Yelpin’ Elaine

A team with Modric at its heart was always going to be patient about breaking down a stubborn defence, so the fact that it took 20 minutes for anything to actually happen here is probably not cause for alarm. When it finally did, Alexander-Arnold’s goal opened the floodgates. Little is left to say about the limitations of Surreal Madrid, though at least Wilson’s hard work at 4-0 down forced a Tolisso own goal long after the horse had bolted. For the Pigs, it most resembled a training exercise. Their scorers included Higuain, Dybala and the exceptional Ismaily.

By Deirdre Damage

With his greatest rival having just netted five, Messi found himself suddenly three behind in the race for the golden boot. His response was to be kept firmly in the pockets of Sanchez and Upamecano. The Menace never got up to too much in the final third but they worked hard to muzzle the league’s most in-form team and will be pleased with a draw here, especially with the Dawgs breaking multiple times in the closing minutes. Schmeichel, having reclaimed his place in goal ahead of Bravo, earned a ‘bravo’ of his own.

By Selina Biscuits

The Geese have struggled for fluency and consistency this season but this might have been their most confident performance so far. Lo Celso put them in front on the half-hour, making the difficult look easy with a lovely volley from Lulic’s cross, before Tomori netted his first goal of the season with a late run to head home from a corner. Arbor Red have, at times, been indomitable in season four but lacked heart here and can have no complaints.

By Russian propaganda bots