A new front in the Duck-Goose rivalry opened up here, and it was the Carrcelona sympathisers who took the bragging rights. Though technically 30 minutes of football had already been played, it all began when, out of nowhere, Douglas Costa thumped a quite ridiculous volley into the top corner from the corner of the penalty box. It was a goal so majestic, which plunged the stadium into such silence, that you’d have been forgiven for missing a merely excellent goal from Pogba – the first of what turned out to be a marvellously complete hat-trick. Joao Felix and Zielinski did nab consolation goals in the middle of it all but Les Canards were more or less blown away by Maychester’s firepower.

By Samson Bratwurst

Pigs did next to nothing the whole first half,
But Gonzo scored their first shot; you had to laugh.
A bizarre equaliser off the back of striker Dele,
Before big bruiser Sule made Rui P look a nelly.
When the hosts got going, fair play, caps doffed,
But not many sides will allow them half an hour off.

By Rhymin’ Ron Gland

Many expected the Halfman front line to be too much for Surreal Madrid but it was the midfielders who did the damage. Partey opened the scoring with an absolute bullet before De Jong got involved as well. Looking both greedy and complacent, the hosts began launching long shots whenever they got the chance, with their strikers barely involved. There was the faintest suggestion of punishment for that when Wilson pulled one back, but that only seemed to sharpen Halfman’s focus as Bernardeschi and Lucas finished the job.

By the Reverend Janet Satan

The neutrals hoping for Farcelona to finally break their winning streak were given hope when Mbappe burst through with the quickness to take the lead. But that only lasted for seven minutes before a sizzler from Mendy on the left beat Ter Stegen all ends up. Both sides were unafraid to get stuck in so, when Bentancur finally found some space on the hour, he took full advantage with a powerful strike from a frankly extraordinary distance. The MiBs were every bit a match for the Farce here, Illaramendi in particular unfortunate to be on the losing side, and it took two exceptional goals to beat them. It’s now 10 in a row for Guardiola’s side. Who can stop them?

By Camilla O’O’Brien

Weasels had the better of the first half against a quieter-than-usual home side but a switch to 4-2-4 from Bielsa galvanised his side. Perisic caught the eye with a gorgeous strike just after the break and Milik capitalised on a rattled defence to extend the lead. Lambert refused to let his side go quietly, making his own switch to 3-4-3, and a well-delivered free kick allowed D’Ambrosio to head home authoritatively. The visitors were raining shots on Arbor Red but their opponents caught them on the break, Milik taking two bites of the apple to finally bury his second. It lifts the hosts above Weasels in the table as they look to be finally building an excellent season at this level.

By Luke Benson, but under whose orders?

The Cocks are making a habit of sprinting out of the blocks against their wooden-spoon rivals; this week, it only took two minutes for Rashford to evade his defender and score. Perhaps realising that the Menace were uninterested in marking him, the forward then bagged a hat-trick before half-time; his second goal simply a carbon copy of the first. Favre’s side enjoyed a great deal of possession but did very little with it and looked completely unequipped to beat off the Cocks on the counter. Questions may now be asked once again about whether or not Favre is the right man to steer this young Menace team.

By Charizard Thompson

The Dawgs, riding high on some growing momentum, got the better of an even game thanks to solid finishing here. Van Dijk opened their account when he headed almost through a rather static Moon from a corner, and Messi followed it up soon afterwards with a simple finish from close range. Not even Alba giving away a penalty could derail them thanks to Oblak’s alert save from Kolarov. Though Cers were never out of it on the field, the scoreline finally got away from them when Messi struck a second time just before the hour; a goal which made him the first to 10 this season. The Argentine’s excellent form may yet continue to lift the Dawgs back towards the kind of position that they were widely expected to occupy before the campaign began.

By ‘Tiny’ Rachel Doombutler

In a gameweek full of excitement, this clash of mid-table nobodies was the most thrilling of the lot, becoming the Gobshite League’s biggest-ever goalfest. Lukaku put the hosts in front after just 40 seconds but the inspirational Fekir orchestrated a turnaround soon after with two excellent goals in three minutes. Thauvin extended La Ball’s lead but the undeterred Geese went into half-time only one down thanks to Lukaku. Despite a very even game in terms of possession and chances, Galthier’s men put Carrcelona to the sword in the second half thanks to superior class in front of goal – both Hazard and Icardi plundering two each. A five-goal losing margin is harsh on the hosts but this is exactly the kind of result that La Ball have been wanting to lift them out of drudgery. Wow.

By The Camel

In a game mostly defined by being a nice breather after all the weekend’s excitement, the Martyrs got away with a real heist here. Los Hijos were flush with clear-cut chances to which Ederson responded admirably, but a stoppage-time goal for Manolas broke their hearts. Klopp can count himself very lucky for emerging from this with three points, for even though the hosts went toe-to-toe on possession they were far less impressive up front.

By Enid Swine