Nilwall left it late but got the result. The boy Greenwood looked dangerous. Super sub David Luiz did his duty duly by giving away the penalty.

By Grotty Tom

Lukaku looks thrilled to be back at the Ducks and scores his second in as many games. Unfortunately, Ronnie is doing similar business and Tolisso’s effort gives Menace the perfect start.

By Lord Byron Burger 

A big gap between the goals, but if I had to describe this game, I’d say the Weasels weren’t fucking about.

By Jim Bones

The Martyrs came out the worse of a whirlwind opening 30 minutes, with Halfman new boy Ferran Torres registering his first ever Gobshite league goal. Difficult to see many positives for Martyrs, but at least Haaland found the net again.

By Yvonne from Admin

The league’s newest team picks up their first win of the season thanks to a late Gervinho winner.

By Graham Freehand

Another Cers game, another 1-0. They were on the wrong side of it this time though. Bit of a snoozer in the French derby.

By Jean Camembert

Surreal Madrid got battered. Get ready to read that a couple more times in these fine pages.

By Marco Fenway

Another slow starter, but the game came to life with a big ol’ superhit from Paul Pogba. Zidane’s 60 minute man, Mario Mandzukic found a second for Maychester, with Hijos finding a consolation goal from Alexis Sanchez.

By Philip Robertson