Goals galore in the opening game of the season, despite a missed Kevin De Bruyne penalty, the Ducks might feel aggrieved to have lost here.

By Archbishop Kenneth

A straight red for both Koke and Bruno meant this game could only go one way. A classic performance for both sides.

By Flakey Jakey

Cristiano Ronaldo proved the difference in this slow starting match. Messi looked distinctly average.

By Stella Tape

A late strike from Ramsey sealed the points for Phallus. A very “Simeone” result.

By Dude Saxophone

A double from the young lad Haaland saw the reigning champions falter at the first hurdle. Bobby Firmino scored an outrages lob against his former club. No love lost there.

By Commander Barnes

A replay from a cup snoozer that wasn’t one to miss. Lewandowski completed a neat hattrick, and Surreal scored a goal which is… nice?

By Pamela Usborne