A truly awful game for most of its life, but Paulinho’s bundled goal prompted the off-colour Martyrs to wake up, with an energetic counter taking advantage of a disorganised defence for Higuain to equalise. Gomez then missed an absolute sitter, which was only fair because nobody deserved to win this game. What was less fair was Kane scoring 30 seconds later. What was even less fair than that was (you know where this is going).

By Gary Matrix, the main character from The Matrix