Having seemingly abandoned all of their grand tiki-taka ambitions, the Martyrs have a bad case of Error 404: Team Identity Not Found. Now purportedly more interested in winning games than stringing together passes, they comprehensively failed to do either here, with Tuchel’s men throwing off last week’s malaise as a result.

By Eats Magoober

The next time that one of my clients comes in complaining of insomnia, I will prescribe the replay of this game. The Menace did deserve it, in as much as anyone deserved anything out of it.

By Dr Hans-Sherman Rattanattattan

RED Tagliafico 4′

Maychester fans would have liked to see a more dominant response to being gifted a player’s advantage so early in the game; the visitors looked fairly leaden despite the opportunity, and scored almost apologetically. But the Mancs refused to give up and found Castagne for a far-post header that secured a point.

By Jemima Yahtzee

No team capable of ‘defending’ in the way that Illarramendi and Sule did to gift Thauvin the third goal should be permitted to play professional football. No player capable of being as consistently crap as Gosens should be allowed within 100 metres of a stadium. Weasels ought to be satisfied with nil. Cers were pretty good.

By Gabriella Wyoming

This comprehensive a victory we have rarely seen in Gobshite League history. Eight or nine would have been fair. This Surreal side are making a real statement about the title.

By Ian N. Drivel

Tilva, Matip and Courtois must all burn with embarrassment for the truly aberrant passing-around in their own area which then led to a frightened Tilva lumping it directly into the face of the oncoming Zlatan for the second goal. And yet somehow the Cocks did not spontaneously implode out of shame at half-time. Maybe it will have happened after Courtois dropped it to allow Benatia to poke home a final,undignified winner.

By Hakan Yurk

Low crosses from the right byline from Chiesa and taps-in from Lukaku at the far post: name a more iconic duo.

By Herbert Wazzoo

A thriller at the Dawg Pawund! You could tell how desperate Halfman were not to let their title challenge slip away but both sides had to fight hard here, with the defiant hosts unfortunate to come out of the game with nothing.

By Terrence ‘Tiny Grandma’ Burpsichord

Somebody stop Luis Alberto. Somebody. Anybody? Bueller? Anybody? Meanwhile, Lloris put an unfortunate cap on a second-best performance by Nilwall when he caught a shot by Llorente and simply stepped backwards over the line. The Ducks seemed to give away a last-moment penalty almost by way of a comforting hand on the shoulder.

By Nina Poutine