A game full of scrappy and, arguably, crappy football was won by the team with a little more grit, though Maychester will be indebted to their former player Hernandez for conceding the equalising penalty soon enough to prevent half-time despair.

SACKING: Didier Deschamps replaced by TBC

By Phinella Snipe

The first 10 minutes were some of the best Gobshite minutes ever, with an incredible – truly incredible – Bailey goal for the opener followed up by Pulisic’s rocket finish from a stylish Rodri pass, and I suppose we can forgive the teams for cooling off for the rest of the game.

By Colby Squanch

What a strange game of football. The Ducks attended the first half, scoring two goals, then retired at the half so that Weasels could come on and have a go, and they scored three. A bigger disparity between two halves you will rarely see, but hats off to Weasels for digging deep.

By Edgy Eric Powell

Beating the reigning champs is always good for the resume, and Halfman will be delighted in this after ceding their lead to Surreal last week. Gaya absolutely ran the show down the left and deserved his canny goal.

By Tristan ‘the Demon Butler’ Guggenpatz

Blanc’s new 3-5-2 formation continues to confound opponents, with Surreal’s Immobile-less forward line really struggling to press through the wall of Cers defenders despite racking up a huge number of corners in a desperate push to avoid an embarrassing result. And that ends their brief tenure on top of the table…

By Lance Corporal Samantha Jugular

MISSED PEN Werner 64′

Telles’s head must be spinning. In the space of three minutes, he clumsily conceded one penalty which looked set to erase his side’s hard-earned lead, before converting one at the other end after it was saved. The hosts were never out of this but suffered from some selfish play and were unable to make their chances count.

By Lance Corporal

MISSED PEN Suarez 33′
MISSED PEN Rakitic 68′

A truly bizarre day for Oblak, who effectively opened the scoring with a horrible, amateurish drop from an easy save, before becoming the second coming of Yashin with some astonishing blocks to deny Suarez further. The strangest moment was to come at the other goalmouth when Neuer saved Rakitic’s penalty on the first attempt but it rebounded off the post onto the keeper’s hand before diverting into the Croatian’s path to finish it. An exciting and, frankly, confusing debut for Tuchel in charge of the Sons!

By a stray caribou

Much of this was a real snoozer, and perhaps Nilwall were guilty of sleeping on Gabriel Jesus, who got a very cute touch on Milner’s fine cross to poke home the opener. The scoreline arguably flattered the Cocks somewhat but they did have the better of the later stages as their goal bestowed upon them some extra confidence.

By Norman Prawn

MISSED PEN Hazard 65′

It looked like the Dawgs were on easy street on their way to finally recording another win, with Ambriz’s men offering absoutely nothing until the indomitable Simon saved yet another penalty. Finally, the visitors woke up and did get some reward through Firmino, but they were justly punished for hardly bothering over the first hour.

By Annette ‘Hang Ten’ Yahtzee