All about the crap defending from the Menace, here, although they’ll wonder what might have been had Ziyech’s glorious first-half strike not been disallowed.

By Poppy van Pantry

This Arbor Red performance was an insult to all the spectators. And I don’t mean all the spectators in the ground. I mean all spectators, everywhere. We have no law to fit their crime.

By Kevin Uxbridge

A strange game full of cavalier passing and even more cavalier defending; many will be surprised that it only saw one goal. That might only be due to the impressive Oblak, mind.

By Eddie ‘the Rambunctious Pisces’ Goldstein

RED James 6′

The Farce went down to 10 men almost immediately but the Martyrs were once again fielding pleb Bustamente so it basically evened out. The drastically limited visiting defence were by turns ragdolled around and ignored by a rampaging Suarez and will have to be happy with Bernat’s thronker-in-vain.

By Giulietta LaSplanch

MISSED PEN Vardy 80′

An atrocious Weasels performance would have been hilariously vindicated by a late, late goal had Messi not been standing 20 metres offside for no good reason. But they can have no complaints; only one team turned up here.

By Jessie Rumblepak

It took the Ducks a while to wake up in the pub derby but, when they did, wowser. Rashford was on a tear here – his searing solo counterattack for his second must be seen to be believed – and it’s a big result for the top of the table.

By Wolfie Sheepsclothing

Nilwall came into this top of the form table but the gulf between these two teams was clear today. Partey’s absolute BOSH of a clincher underlined that. Are we finally looking at the season when Halfman fulfil their potential?

By Sven Conker-Friend

Fekir used to play for the Pigs but now he’s playing against the Pigs. He did a goal. I think that’s a bit sad.

By Karen Bounce, aged 6

Surreal were made to work very hard for this one by a gutsy Wedge team but their class eventually told to keep them level on points with Halfman. Ake was fantastic at both ends of the pitch while Pogba had yet another industrious outing.

By Ian Nolan, Lord of Crime