RED Verratti 66′

A performance this inept by the reigning champions brings shame upon the entire Gobshite League.

By the Inimitable Stacey Croquepot

I spent most of this nothingburger scratching graffiti into my desk. But then the Halfman defence fucked it at the last moment and Benzema of all people made me fall out of my chair.

By Priyanka Torpedo

This was a badly needed result for the Mancs and one that they richly deserved, with the Mbappe-Dybala-Bilva trio troubling the visiting defence with their dizzying movement, while Weasels could find no way past a staunch back line.

By Torsten Vibrophone

The Dawgs move into undisputed first place with a comprehensive victory filled with eye-catching goals. De Ligt’s rocket header from a free kick started it all off before Hazard set up Gnabry with a defence-splitting pass and Pedro snuck between the centre-backs to finish off a very stylish team move. It should make for foreboding viewing for their title rivals.

By the Reverend Yuppet R. Fajita

RED Aguero 63′

This was a real signal of a performance from Surreal, who outshot their opponents almost three-to-one with Fernandes once again orchestrating everything. Aguero’s moment of random violence will live long in the memory; he’s yet to settle in this Pigs team.

By Thankgod Greatjob

MISSED PEN Suarez 84′

It was a match short of much electricity and Navas thought he’d saved the hosts a point with a confident penalty save but Bennacer’s crafty header took it all for the Farce.

By Kevin ‘Generous Mr Mustard’ Dandelion

The Cocks looked the more confident side, with Renato Augusto continuing a fine start to the season with a well-placed finish, but some poor defending from Matip allowed the hosts back into it – some good news for their faltering title challenge.

By Benji Watching

I think you’d have to agree that this was a game of football, which had a result.

By Reggie the Inappropriate Co-pilot

The Ducks, riding their luck as hard as possible by playing 4-4-2 with no professional strikers, took the lead at a corner then immediately coasted, allowing Bailey to find his feet. And my, did he just. The winger’s equalising goal was an amazing, eminently keepable 35-yard smash that seemed to swirl in eight different directions at once. The movement for his winner wasn’t much worse, either.

By Andy Spam