A game that would be easily consigned to the bin were it not for two excellent goals. Akanji’s piledriver from outside the box and Kolarov’s gorgeously curled free kick elevated an otherwise typically boring Cers display, while Nilwall put it one of their worst shifts yet. I honestly thought it would never end.

By Rob Ourobouros

You’ve got to say that this is a missed opportunity for Maychester, and perhaps signifies the end of their title challenge altogether. The Menace weren’t anything special here and they allowed Memphis two bites of the apple for the opener, but Zidane’s men were unable to further capitalise despite a meek performance from the visitors. Their fully replaced back line were briefly exploited when Sancho found Pulisic in acres of space, and that was all that Flick’s men had to do.

By Melvin Tweezer

Warm up the honour guards. The Farce made short work of one of the league’s most in-form teams, with two goals from Paredes and one from Bentancur piling on the misery just before and just after half-time. Former Farce winger Neymar gave his old team a penalty before at least atoning with a stylish volley, but Asensio finished it off late.

By the Duchess of Prang

The Martyrs threatened to completely fuck it when they conceded embarrassingly to a Pigs side who had seen Florenzi sent off in only the 21st minute, but a talking-to at half-time seemed to do the trick. Insigne slotted home the equaliser but it was De Bruyne who took the headlines, with two big ol’ super hits that ripped through some tired purple shirts. Inzaghi’s men are doing their bit to hasten Farcelona’s coronation.

By the Loch Ness monster

Bruce, now under persistent rumour-threat of being punished for his board’s stubbornness, came the closest he’s ever come to throwing caution to the wind here. But unfortunately Hazard is just better than every Surreal Madrid player put together. After Icardi’s goal was overturned by the gutsy Hayden and Wilson, the Belgian equalised with an absolute thriker before sneaking through the defence for the winner. The hosts did what they could in search of a reply but, at the end of the day… well, you know.

By Belinda Cronut-Handlebar

The Geese were looking to assert themselves in this mid-table clash but the MiBs said “uh-uh, uh-uh”. Allegri’s men near-monopolised the ball, which enabled them to confidently protect the slender lead granted to them by Mbappe – and the Frenchman capped it off with a stoppage-time second. Comfortable.

By Barold Scott

An awful, grindy game that made all who attended spiritually poorer for having watched it. Aubameyang scored with a header in the second half.

By Parvati ‘the Eternal Tractor of Retribution’ Shah

Given the struggles of Maychester and the Pigs, Arbor Red might have been starting to dream of an unlikely push for second place. But they couldn’t quite kill this one off despite a general domination of play, and were even given a helping hand for their second by a Donnarumma blunder. Los Hijos, for their part, showed some fight to level it up and will be pleased enough with the result.

By Caramel Swirl

The Dawgs put on a show here, as if they had something to prove. They started strongly when Bellerin they-all-counted one in from a set-piece scramble and responded admirably to a hefty whack by Correa – who later went on to hit a second. Os Patos’ defence just didn’t seem capable of dealing with the visitors’ energetic forwards and wing-backs. Though Larghi’s side were adventurous enough, they looked a level below as Alba plundered two goals and Vardy one.

By DCI Elspeth Lubricant