There was only ever going to be one winner, and it wasn’t Cers, but Cers did win. This result didn’t make any sense, but life doesn’t make any sense. The Farcelona winning streak is over, and one day all of us, too, will die.

By Dr. Wolfgang Paperclip

Knowing that Farcelona had just stumbled for the first time since opening weekend, the Pigs made a real pig’s ear of their opportunity to capitalise and are lucky that this did not go worse for them. One wing-back, TAA, equalised stylishly to blot out Icardi’s opener, but the other – the Scottish sniper himself – earned a second yellow just after the break to leave his side in the lurch. Thauvin eventually bundled a winner over the line. Two < seven but La Ball fans might have cause to enjoy this result even more than last week’s.

By Marissa, the Damned

Ramsey’s opener? Early. Kante’s assist for Haaland? Sumptuous. But Allegri must have put something in the hosts’ half-time oranges and the MiBs pulled it back; Illarramendi’s equaliser in particular was delightful. Ramsey restored Martyrs’ lead late on and the visitors thought they’d got away with a deserved victory, but Cavani said nah nah nah with a cheeky stoppage-time strike.

By Liam Bizkit

Maychester were, not to put too fine a point on it, shit for most of the game – but they did get a penalty and Ronaldo scored it so there you go. The goal seemed to give Carrcelona horrible flashbacks to last week so, while they were distracted, Ronaldo slapped a fat one in from a free kick. At least one team in the upper reaches of the table gained ground on Farcelona…

By Peppa Pig

Oh, man, you really had to be there.

By Vegeta Robinson

Halfman had to work hard here to stay competitive against an Arbor Red side who utterly dominated possession, with Neves and Brozovic running the midfield. Their resistance was finally broken by Immobile in injury time, though, as Bielsa continues to lead this side impressively up the ladder.

By ‘Squishy’ Nick Elbows

In a big match for the sack race, Le Roy’s most important players stood up for him when it counted. First the talismanic Muniain opened the scoring with an emphatic angled shot from just inside the box, and then the titanic Barnes got in on the action after the break. Nilwall were not dreadful here by any means but they were shown up for sharpness in all areas of the pitch and they folded to a late flurry of goals. Muniain wrapped up his hat-trick with two in quick succession, the latter a penalty, before Shaqiri put a bow on a famous win with a sensational strike. Pekerman remains in place for now, but a loss this startling at home will not buy him much patience.

By Rear Colonel Natalie Poppingcandy

A goal in the first three minutes? Must be a Cocks game. It was Tielemans this time who rifled home for Ferguson’s side, and they looked imperious for much of the first half. Keeping out Messi for 90 minutes is, of course, famously difficult and the league’s most prolific player only need five minutes after the break to level things up. It marked the turn of a one-sided contest into a full-on banger. Vardy put the visitors in front but Maddison had his say with a classy finish from a tight angle, while Neto was impressive in holding off multiple Dawgs chances. The keeper will be frustrated that Vardy went on to catch him unsighted for a powerful winner from range. A gutting result for the home side but, on this form, they should be hopeful of not being dragged back down towards the bottom teams.

By Peanut Hamper

This was a thoroughly professional performance from a Los Hijos side who have been growing in stature lately. It took them nearly half an hour to break down Bruce’s men but Can’s punchy effort from the edge of the box sailed past Dubravka and rewarded their patience. With Surreal Madrid offering very little of anything, the visitors bagged a second through Fernandez’s own goal, then had Zaha, Mane, Gotze and Lacazette add to the rout. It leaves the league’s least fancied team adrift at the bottom of the table, having lost by the biggest margin that the Gobshite League has ever seen.

By the voices you try to ignore